Today, out of nowhere, I had a “moment.” It happened at 3:57 p.m. on Tuesday, January 21 and it hit me like a ton of bricks. For the past few months I’ve been bogged down with some negativity and stress. When I get stressed out, I tend to take it out on the people who least deserve it (my Mom and Keith) and these behaviors weren’t stopping. To be completely honest, I felt like I was no longer in control of my emotions, my feelings, and my words. Words are permanent, so Â after a typically bad day (screaming at Keith, arguing with a friend, and continuing that argument for three days because I was SO angry), I decided I needed to do something that I haven’t done for quite some time and that was put myself first.
I decided that I need to learn to say no to the things and people that stress me out, and though I love to help people, I need to learn that it’s okay not to WANT to take on that type of energy and to understand that we ALL make choices and I shouldn’t feel guilty for my choices that later, resulted in accomplishments. In academe, no one minimizes their accomplishments, so why would I? Â I have am also learning that I cannot fix everyone’s problems. As an educator, the desire to FIX, and CARE, and PLEASE are internalized within my psyche. It’s a tough batch of emotions!
So, next I gathered every inspirational book I own and placed them on my nightstand. This includes my prayer book, “May Cause Miracles” by Gabrielle Bernstein (thanks Tashina and my awesome English Department colleagues for this recommendation) and Billy Graham’s “Hope for Each Day.” I then let them sit there assuming that their “power” would just ooze into me from a foot away. Not so much.
After a pretty enlightening conversation with my Mom about drama, wedding BS, work-life balance, and cats, I watched a video on “God Whispers”, prepped myself to sift through a 70 page federal grant proposal, and then it hit me. I can SAY I want to do all of these great things, but I actually have to do them. I have to transform the self, MYself, and this year (the year that I’m getting married) will be the year to do it. Â So, in an effort to become the person that I would want to be married to, I’m going to initiate one small change per week while reading my texts and taking care of myself.
Challenges are going to happen and I’m going to try and deal with them. I won’t always make everyone happy and everything won’t always be sunshine and rainbows, but I feel ready to do something different for my mind, body, and soul. Each week I will update my whiteboard with a new “This Week” goal and share it with a hashtag of #christines2014. I feel ready.