I’ve been contemplating for a long time how to begin and work through this post. Weight Watchers has been a part of my life since I began my journey in 2007. I had a dedicated section to weight loss on my blog, I then moved it to a separate tumblr fitblr, and now it’s virtually nonexistent on my current blog. Sure, I talk about Yoga, and I take photos of myself, and post my food, but I don’t talk about weight so much anymore. Or, at least I’m trying not to. I guess I’ll start at the beginning of this turbulent break-up and what lead me to the lifestyle I’m trying to live now.
That’s me, right now, taken five minutes before publishing this post. I don’t know what I weigh currently, but I do know that these jeans tell me I’m a 6 whereas my favorite pair of black dress pants in my closet tell me I’m a 10, and my go-to shorts from Hollister tell me I’m a 7.
It started with me attending my regular Weight Watcher meeting in May of this year. My best friend Kathleen took me out for lunch and I enjoyed Olive Garden soup, salad, and breadsticks. I ate two and wanted more, but I didn’t allow myself to have anymore because I had to weigh in. The next day I gained when I weighed in. I typically weighed in on Saturday mornings, but that meant I had to plan my dinner on Friday nights. If we went out to eat on a Friday night I would choose a salad, eat half, and go to sleep hungry. If I lost the next morning, it was because I was “good.” If I gained, it was my fault. As I continued to have to eat dinner later because of a new job, I started obsessing about my meals and I was sick of it! I was sick of having to go somewhere and dictate what I ate when based on an arbitrarily chosen weigh-in day, but what drove me to break it off was a leader who embarrassed me.
She was NOT my regular leader, and she asked the group about our “goal” for the week, since the new program boasts goal setting for each week of the month. I raised my hand and explained that I am working on the same goal this week (it was to not snack at work). She replied with, “well, if you keep working on the same goal and FAILING, shouldn’t you choose something else?” I snarked back and asked her why she assumed I was failing instead of reaffirming, and she was quiet, but I was hurt. Once a golden child of the WW meeting room, I was thrown down a peg as I watched others get rewarded for “being aware of their over eating and gaining” for the FOURTH WEEK IN A ROW. I was done.
My good friend broke it off with WW and I soon followed suit and stopped weighing myself, going to meetings, and tracking every little thing I put in my mouth. Am I the “happy” little 135 I was last summer? No, but I’m also a different person. I’m now a nonsmoking runner and yogini who spent the last couple of months buying a home and, now, moving in. I don’t have TIME to track everything I eat because I’m now LIVING MY LIFE based on the principles I learned at WW, but I am no longer dependent on them. Was this easy? No. It’s still a battle every day, but I’m learning to prioritize. At 20 years old and 187 pounds, I needed WW to be my priority. Now, at 26, and at “some healthy weight”, I have other priorities, and one is to be good to myself. Unlike my 20 year old self, I know how to eat to live and how to use food for fuel and those skills from WW are truly indispensable.
I have a myfitnesspal app on my phone that I sometimes use, but I try not to freak if I don’t use it. I still have a scale, but haven’t stepped on it in about three weeks which is a record for me. And though I’m not the “happy weight” I used to be, I try to be happy for other reasons and try to see myself as a whole person with goals and ambitions other than maintaining a weight based on one day out of the week. Rebecca Seed, a Yoga teacher and writer on mindbodygreen inspired me with her post “So Long, Scale” and though, like her, I have a doctor’s appointment coming up where I will be weighed, I am planning on asking for the nurse to not tell me the number and to just let me have my peace of mind as I continue on yet another mind/body journey.